10:10

{138:365}

When I started questioning a 365 for 2010, people voiced their opinions loudly.

Do it! It was life changing!: were the themes of these comments.  How difficult could a picture a day be?  Life-changing?  Seriously, it’s a picture, people?: ran through my head.  By the end of 2010, I can honestly say that I was wrong.  The 365 was hard & it was life changing.

In late 2009, I remember standing in the kitchen making pb&j sandwiches.  And I thought: Is this it?  Is this what life is going to be like?  I didn’t question it as if my next move was going to be an escape to Mexico under an alias.  I just questioned it like I had pondered other moments in my life. Was my reality living up to the view I had constructed in my mind before the incident had happened?  It never does because it's impossible for that to happen.  My first pondered moment was in middle school after I finally worked up the nerve to shave my legs.  I figured it would propel me into some other level of adolescence.  I’d emerge fuzz-free & almost a woman.  A few days later I realized I was still Erika only with shinier pasty legs.  I walked around with nicked knees & my mother’s voice in my head, “Why start now?  Once you start, you’re always shaving.”  Damn, she was right.  Years later, I stood in my kitchen feeling the same way.  I was fixing lunches with a load of laundry just out of eyesight.  Kids were hungry, again, dishes were piling up, and I had work to do.  I felt like I was always going to be juggling different balls while walking down a long tunnel.   Believe it or not, I wasn’t depressed.  I didn’t want to sell my children at the Farmer’s Market & I didn't regret having children.  I have children that are not close in age, so I realized things don’t get easier when they’re potty-trained.  Someone throws a new ball into the mix.  On that day, I just felt like I was juggling and walking through life.  And I couldn’t see how things would ever get easier or slow down.

I decided to start 2010 off with a project.  Not because of that moment in the kitchen.  Honestly that moment never crossed my mind when I jumped into the 365.  I really wanted to use my 365 project as a way to remember our year.  I didn’t want to become a better photographer.  I didn’t want to discover new things.  I just wanted to take one picture a day that would jog my memory in the future.   I proved myself wrong.  In a huge way…

With my 365, I discovered that I am a photographer.  In 2009, I was uncomfortable with the P word.  It took forever for me to breakaway from the title “I Just Like To Take Pictures.”  It doesn't help that people think your photos are only great because your camera isn't a Point n' Shoot.  I've had people say that to me & I've heard countless other photographers discuss the sting of this statement.  I was slowly emerging from the curse of a good camera.   But no one was asking me to take their picture, so how good could the photos actually be?  I loved them because they focused on my most cherished moments.  I loved them because they smacked me in the heart.  There's doubt if anyone else will feel the same emotion.  But by the time I began the 365, I was starting to realize that I was just plain good at something & I didn't need other people asking for photos for me to see that.  I did have a new obstacle in 2010 which was my hang-up of processing.  I spent a good portion of 2010 thinking that my photos were only good because I edited with Photoshop.  I felt like I was a hack or a cheat because I tossed an action on a photo & tweaked some levels.  Anyone with big check, good computer, & enough time could create fantastic images too.  Right?

At the end of my 365, I can say that I'm completely over those myths.  If I never get paid another dime for a photo, I will always tell people that I’m a photographer.  Payment does not make you a photographer.  Lots of payments don't make a really good photographer.  I know many people that have rarely if ever been paid & they are far superior to lots of professionals.  I also discovered & accepted that I have talent with composition & processing.  Just because I have an expensive camera & expensive processing tools, I still have a talent that can’t be replicated by spending the same amount of money on tools & programs.  Give any of the same tools & time to a stranger that lacks passion or an eye.   That stranger won’t be able to do what I can do.  I have also grown enough that I have confidence in making that statement.  Look at my stuff & say you hate it or it isn’t that good.  I’ll believe you, but I won’t care.  I might be wounded, but I'll use that to grow.  Some might read this paragraph & think that’s rather cocky.  If I wrote, “And I did it alone & I'm the best,” that would be ballsy, bitchy & cocky.  I would not be able to make these statements if it weren’t for the hundreds of people who inspired me & for the core group of friends the keep pushing.  For the first part of 2010, I was frightened of what people would think about my images or words.  I've learned that it's perfectly fine to take a picture anywhere in public.  No one will question you & you'll have gotten the shot you wanted.  I’ve learned that people are supportive & nurturing.  I’ve learned that a community will hold you up and make you see what you can’t.  Number one, my 365 made me a photographer.  It made me a better one & it made me an artist.

Life moves fast & photos are one of the only way for us to remember where we've been & how we felt on any given day.  One day, the boys will leave our house & someday they will create their own families.  Without our albums these sweet exchanges would be muddled & mostly forgotten.  The 365 showed me that our year was good.  We also had our share of low points.  Normal stuff.  Days filled with too many time-outs.  Days filled with too many important questions.  But those days were documented.  I did not focus only the bright spots & happy moments.  Why?  Life isn't always shiny & thrilling.  In 2011, I'm pretty sure that I won't do another 365.  Maybe I'll change my mind midway through, I've been wrong before.  But I do hope to photograph more clients.  Fill their albums with their own stolen moments of love, gentleness, & honesty.  If that's what you want for your albums & your memories, email me. 

{134:365} 

Thank you friends & family for a fabulous 2010.  May your 2011 be filled with as much happiness as ours was in 2010.

Comments

[Suki]

Wow, Erika I loved your post so very much. Every single word is so true for me too! Hope people see what awesome skills you have to offer! Big hugs!

[mary frances | mama-pan]

and this one is new to me, but just as good as the list of tips. thanks, a year late.