Every 365 has a lesson. Round 3′s lesson:
I’ve said the following phrase a few times over the past 6 months:
I’m either incredibly loyal or extremely lazy.
When someone forces me out (job), I come back. Not with the feeling of being burnt or hopelessness, but because it feels like home. But really? Who wants to look for a new job? A week of doing that was exhausting, not exhilarating. My core group of friends have been supporting and cracking me up for decades now. It takes repeated quiet bouts shittiness for me to cut ties which I’ve rarely done. Mark had to become extremely vocal for me to move. I knew the neighborhood was a bad fit for our family, but the thought of moving/starting over was horrifying me. What’s even worse for my case to stay? We weren’t moving miles away. We were moving to a neighborhood we had been using for a decade. Still the thought of packing and saying “good-bye” was daunting. I needed to be ready, but his anger and mood was forcing my readiness.
I’ve never felt the reason to move on in life. I linger around like cough that eventually turns into pneumonia.
So what am I? Loyal or Lazy?
Loyal is more polite and honorable. I love the people I hang with and they love me. There is literally very little I wouldn’t do for these folks. I adored the walls that created a family. They were important, not the neighborhood. I believe in doing your best at work and I work to live, not live to work. My old job fulfilled that on many levels (I never would have been able to pursue photography and writing with another job). Why move on?
But Lazy is good for acceptance without risk. My friends are there and I’m at an age where making new ones isn’t easy. We hadn’t really outgrown the house. A few more years would have been ok… There had been no advancement with my old position from day one. And during year 4, I probably should have realized the dead-end wouldn’t lead to a door of Better Opportunity.
Again, what am I? Loyal or Lazy?
I’ll be honest, LAZY is probably the wrong word. CONTENT is better, but I’m also self-deprecating so deal with it. I don’t bitterly complain of my lack of travel plans (of course I can’t wait to travel, but that will happen). I don’t fantasize or mull over the risks to start a new job. Does that make me lazy or safe? Maybe both. But I’ve learned this year through my 365 project that I’m a perfect blend of both:
I’m loyally content with my life.
I’m grateful for how my life has unfolded and regret nothing. I was forced to not be 100% lazy this year. Packed up and entered the next phase. Explored a new neighborhood with fantastic guides. Leaned on those old friends and accepted their hands when they reached down. Went back to the old company, but entered a completely new workplace. I found new friends that I adore and wondered how I worked alone for so long. All of this made life a little spicier and helped brighten the mundane side of life.
There’s a sweet spot with accepting life as is. An ease and comfortable laziness for the soul. But I understand that life doesn’t float by without bumps. And Loyalty is the perfect captain for rough seas. The constant love and acceptance from friends and family spawns my loyalty. Life isn’t easy and when loyal people show up, you should return the favor and bring them your best.
Round 3 of 365′s is about to wrap up. Typing that made me tearful. Just like the first one, this version was meaningful and powerful for me. It proved once again that my life is pretty damn good. Even with all the boring bits and normal bumps and bruises, life is swell. The 365 squeezed every drop of gratitude from a period most would ask, “What’s so special normal life?” I would throw all 365 pictures in their face and scream:
“Everything, you ungrateful idiot! All you have to do is accept it and watch the beauty grab you. Asshole…”
If you’re growing bored or are discontent with your life, start a 365. It isn’t about talent. It’s about showing up every day. Be gentle with yourself, but use it to push you. Use the 365 as an excuse to do random beautiful things: we should camp more. Use it to be selfish: a glass of wine would make a nice photo. Use it to break you down: I guess a hamster might be fun to photograph. Use it to see what you’ve been ignoring. Use it because life isn’t overtly glorious and it’s really easy to wallow in shit. Use it to love what you’ve got. Or use it to give you the courage and power to change it.
It’s that simple.
And I’m lazy…